YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY CHEESES ME OFF?
Body builders and fitness models who say things like:
"Oh I feel fat and gross today, I'm a bit soft here or there, this is a bit jiggly, I didn't have a great session in the gym today, I missed a meal, I had less sleep last night, I'm trying to get to X percent body fat, I've upped my carbs, changed my macros, bla bla bla listen to me and how fixated I am on stupid little details."
Um, hello! Wake up and smell the black coffee. You're in the 1% of the world that has managed to get that lean. Please come over here so I can kindly drop-kick your arse on behalf of the other 99% of the world that has to listen to your sad sack story.
What is it with humans?
We're only happy when we're miserable. Not that I don't have crap days myself, but I've gotten a lot better at drop-kicking my own arse. And let's put things in perspective, I have a lot to be grateful for. So instead of sulking at Pity Party Place, I've been spending a lot more time at Your Life is not that Hard Rock Cafe.
Never been there? Let me give you directions...
“Hey Trish, how do you cope with having a crap day?”
I often get asked how I cope with having a crap day, a fat day, a blah day, a CBF day, or whatever you call it when you let the itty-bitty niff-naff get the better of you. The days where you focus on the things that no one else can see, and no one else cares about (except you).
I decided that today I would try to respond compassionately.
Ok here goes.
"There is a particular route I like to take when I am stuck in a rut. First I walk to the corner of Suck it up Buttercup, get on the train to Success Only Happens When You Work For It, and then I walk all the way to I'm So Glad I Just Did That."
Hmm. People might notice the sarcasm.
"STFU and JFDI!"
Oops. That was worse.
"Yes I have off days. I'm not a robot. But the truth is, my off days are my best days. When I'm angry, I train harder. When I'm scared, I work faster. When things don't go my way, I beat my fists and kick my feet until good fortune is forced to swing back in my direction. I don't need anyone to tell me I can do something, because I'm too busy getting it done.
I especially like being told I'm not good enough, because that gives me ammunition and things to work on. And if, God forbid, I catch myself having a girly moment and feel fat, gross, or ugly, I serve myself a tablespoon of concrete and chase it down with a shot of Your Life Is Not That Hard Bitch, So Get Over It."
Ahh. That's better.
Being a body builder or a fitness model doesn't make you a bad ass.
If anything, it's more likely to turn you into a vain, egotistical maniac who is incapable of seeing yourself the way you really are. It can make you sweat the small stuff and worry about things that don't matter. It can cause you to seek compliments and reassurance from others, because no matter how many times you've asked the mirror, it still hasn't reassured you that you're the fairest of them all.
So how do you avoid Pity Party Place and go straight to Awesome Town?
If you have said yes to most of the above, my recommendation is to give yourself a good bitch slap. Or, if you are unable to bitch-slap yourself, feel free to take a complimentary bitch-slap on behalf of one of these bad asses.
Bitch-Slap #1: Eminem
The potty-mouthed punk who shared every detail of his shitty childhood with the world. The pain he suffered at the negligence of his mum and the deceit of his ex-wife was orchestrated by a poetic snowstorm of dirty metaphors and filthy rhymes.
But what started out as rage became fuel for his success. Imagine Slim Shady rapping about having a happy childhood. Pfff. No one gave him anything. He consciously used his suffering to become great. Being consumed by pain is what ultimately propelled him towards stardom.
Now tell Eminem how you can't be bothered being awesome today. I'm sure he'd string a whole rhyme together about how good it feels to bitch slap you.
Bitch-Slap #2: Stephen Hawking
Diagnosed in his early twenties with a disease that would eventually kill every motor unit in his body, Stephen Hawking was given two years to live. In his memoir, Stephen explains how the prospect of an early death urged him onward through numerous intellectual breakthroughs.
Fifty-one years on and today he remains one of the greatest physicists of all time. Until his recent death, he communicated almost exclusively via an electronic keyboard using a single cheek muscle.
Now imagine for a moment that you are standing in front of Stephen Hawking, moaning about how much you hate cardio. He'd bitch-slap you with his keyboard for being so unappreciative of your able-bodiedness.
Bitch-Slap #3: Rick Allen
The drummer from Def Leppard who's only got one arm. Would you complain to him about how you can't seem to grow your biceps?
One arm is all he needs to give you a good bitch-slap. Nuff said.
Still feeling sorry for yourself?
If you didn't have a shitty childhood, you are able-bodied, you are not doomed for an early death, and you have both of your arms, then maybe it's time you stopped worrying about that little bit of cellulite on your bum, and Got the F*ck Over Yourself.
PS: Can you think of a few people who could do with being bitch-slapped? I dare you to forward this to em. :-)